Dealing with the loss of an animal companion

Date Published: Oct 28 2011

by Stuart Kaplowitz

For weeks, Mikhail struggled to breathe. The vet said there was nothing we could do. He’d lived a long life. Even so, coming home after Thanksgiving to find the 16-year-old cat had passed was devastating. My son Austin, then 7, took it especially hard. Mikhail was a member of our family and we all experienced grief over his death in different ways.

We wrestled with self-anger — “we should have been there for him” — bargaining — “can’t we just get a little more time with Mikhail?” — and denial. The death of a pet can have an impact on you. Feeling loss is a tribute to the animal, and validation of your love and concern for your pet.

Many may not initially believe this, or are uncomfortable with sharing these feelings. Often, people who see me for counseling, struggling with the recent loss of a pet, will begin by divulging something less meaningful or painful. It’s as if they feel embarrassed and guilty for having so much pain for a non-human entity. Only after they feel at ease do they bring up the pet’s death.

One gentleman I saw last year said he wanted to talk about issues involving his mother. Since these problems were decades-old, I delved deeper. I found the recent death of his dog, run-over by a car, seemed to be causing him all kinds of pain, some sadness and much anger.

He didn’t know how to be sad over the loss of a pet and was uncomfortable with his tears. Coming full circle, the dog’s death tapped into unresolved pain over the loss of his father years earlier.

Men, especially in Western cultures, are socialized to internalize feelings. So as psychotherapist Wallace Sife explains in his book, “The Loss of a Pet,” they’re inclined to hide their grief when a dog or cat dies. Men and women also fall prey to a pervasive notion that grieving a pet’s death somehow devalues the importance of human relationships.

But we’re perfectly capable of loving people and animals simultaneously. Since the loss of either can be significant, we certainly shouldn’t be ashamed of our grief. Instead of denying their feelings, I encourage clients to accept and express them because it’s necessary for them to heal. And I remind them, healing takes time.

It was the better part of a year before my son, Austin, and his brother, Evan, then 4, began asking for another pet. Whether we were just passing by the local pet store or watching something on TV that featured a cat, the months after our loss were filled with some poignant reminders about Mikhail’s life.

Our family shared wonderful memories — recalling how Mikhail wouldn’t let anythingor anyone get in his way when he was getting attention. Talking about him still puts a smile on our faces. We keep his remains in an urn on a bookshelf as a reminder he’s still with us — in our heads and our hearts.B

Stuart Kaplowitz is a highly rated licensed marriage and family therapist in Chino, Calif., who works with adults, children and families. In addition to counseling some clients on pet loss, he’s the owner of two cats — Sweet Pea and Mew (short for Mewlissa).

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Grief counseling

Individuals having a hard time coping with various circumstances can often find the help they need working with a counseling or mental health professional. A variety of specialists are available to provide individualized care for specific needs.

Grief is a part of life that everyone experiences at some point. Many people associate grief with the period following the death of a loved one, but a person can grieve over a number of issues: the loss of a life dream, an act of violence or the end of a relationship. Grief counseling gives the bereaved person the tools to work through his or her feelings in order to heal and move forward.

Comments

Permalink Submitted by Deeanna Martin on Tue, 2012-02-07 14:10

As soon as I started reading the article “Dealing with the Loss of an Animal Companion” by Stuart Kaplowitz (August issue), the tears started flowing. I hesitated to comment as I knew I could get long winded, but I felt compelled to do so as I understand all too well the pain and emotions of the loss. I lost my beloved Rebel to bone cancer in February of this year and the pain is still fresh. There are times I can talk about her with my husband and friends and laugh about her antics, but other times I can barely utter a single syllable through the tears. Rebel was from Hawaii. My then boyfriend, now husband, found her on a message board…she needed a home. We had only been dating about five months and during that time, I had told him on various occasions that I loved black cats and would like to have another one someday. On other occasions, I told him that I was a rebel and refused to conform to what I considered society’s idiotic standards. So, when he came home one day and told me that a black cat was available to a good home and was named Rebel, I told myself then that if he ever asked me to marry him, I would. There are not many 22 year olds who can put things like that together. This is the main reason why it was so devastating to lose Rebel. She was my engagement kitty. Some women get rings…I got a beautiful, feisty, black cat. She was with us for 15 years…for as long as we have been married. She lived with us in Hawaii, England, Alabama, and finally Florida. Rebel was also my comfort kitty. Any time I was upset and crying, she would always get in my lap and just sit there, stare at me and purr. She let me hug her cry on her sweet shoulders, even when those tears were eventually for her. Those days were many the day I was told she had terminal cancer. I cried so much I became dehydrated. Even in the darkest of times of pain in life, there is always good and the good that came out of all of this was that I finally found a wonderful, loving, compassionate vet, Dr. Kim Tyson, of Four Paws Veterinary Hospital in Riverview. She and her vet tech assistants, Lynne, La Donna, Kristina, and Meagan, supported me from the initial diagnosis to Rebel’s passing. All of them hugged me repeatedly as they knew my heart was broken. When the day came for us to let Rebel go, Dr. Kim and La Donna came to our house and put her to rest on her favorite spot. They let us say our last good-byes, hugged us, then took Rebel and had her cremated for us. Her ashes now sit on our shelf in, as luck would have it, a black cat statue, along with the ashes of four other kitties and two hamsters. So, Stuart, thank you for the article and for letting people know it is okay to grieve for the loss of a pet. Thank you for telling us not to feel ashamed for our feelings. And Angie, thank you for printing his article. I have wept while typing, but at the same time, it has also been cathartic for me as I was able to share a story about a truly wonderful furry family member…I sincerely appreciate that.

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